To the guy who cheated on me,

 

How are you just feeling guilty now? You should’ve been feeling guilty ever since 8 months ago. I loved you unconditionally. I trusted you with my entire being. How did it take you this long to feel guilty and have it eat you up so badly? Would you have felt better if you continued to lie in front of face? Feed me toxic and fake kisses? Make fake promises of the future? How is it just eating you up now? How? I blamed myself for the downfall of our relationship, always. I hated myself for not choosing UCI because I wanted to be close to you and so that you wouldn’t have to suffer the long distance. But you cheated on me way before I had even started school. How did it take you this long to know that you’re feeling guilty? It must have been great having two girls wrapped around your fingers. Have girls swoon over you all the time and know that when you’re at school or in your apartment, there’s a girl waiting for you. When you’re back home, there’s a girl waiting for you. Must be great. Until you decided to speak out, you started feeling guilty? You aren’t happy? Let me tell you what it feels like to be in my shoes. 

I haven’t eaten ever since the morning you told me. Every time I eat, I vomit it all back up again. No matter how little or how much I eat. I haven’t slept through the night. I keep waking up at 3AM, knowing that I’d be hearing your voice echo through my ears as you crush every little piece of me. My family made it a part of their schedule to call me every day just to make sure I don’t self-harm. I hate it when people call my name and touch me. I ache everywhere. I feel empty because you have stripped my entire being apart. I avoid interactions with others because of how embarrassed I feel to have loved you so, so much for the past 8 months that I was blinded from the fact that you have been dishonest and disrespectful to me. I haven’t laughed, smiled. I don’t even have the strength to keep my head held up high when I walk. 

You used to tell me that I was too good for this world. You have ruined it for the world. I will never be the same girl as I was two days before you decided to call me up at 3 in the morning. The hour at which you called and the fact that you called just speaks volumes of what type of person you are. It was a cowardly move. How do you expect me to love and love and love without expecting anything back now? How do you expect me to be in future relationships? I’ll always have this emptiness inside of me because of your betrayal.I’ll never be able to trust and give my 100% self. How do you expect me to trust another man that comes into my life? You were able to lie for 8 months and get away with it. If you were able to do it, then others would be able too. You are nothing but a boy. 

Don’t tell me you’re feeling unhappy. You were able to pull it off for 8 months. Keep going. You got what you wanted. You love her more than anything and you will continue to do so. What’s stopping you. I used to be a restriction, a limitation in your life. As you’ve mentioned during winter break. Well, you’re free now. Go on and be happy because this is what you’ve wanted for so long. You get to come home to the person you love and be happy. Don’t tell me you’re sorry because you knew that my feelings were bound to get hurt since day one. But the hour at which you called and the timing of your call just made it worse. 

Who would have thought the first time we started would be exactly like the time that we end. Remember when you had to choose between Gloria and I? It all foreshadows the day that you’d one day choose between a new relationship or the road taken. You yearn for adventure and excitement. You live for the adrenaline. You got your adrenaline. You got what you wanted. Don’t tell me that this wasn’t how you wanted everything to go. Because you could’ve prevented all of this 8 months ago and you’re much more intelligent to not know. You have no right to tell me that you’re feeling unhappy now. That you’re just feeling guilty now. The powers were in your hands eight months ago.

You don’t think I noticed when you deleted my comment on Instagram? Trust me, comments don’t disappear like that. I’ve used Instagram more than you think. You think I forgot about your desires to have a sexual relationship with Gann? It pains me knowing I can’t give you what you want. It took up all of the strength in my body to let it pass. To trust you again. You don’t think I noticed that you have deleted the picture of us on my graduation day on your timeline and only had it viewed only by people you never see? You asked me to never tag you in pictures but the first few times that I did, you were okay with it? Your excuse? Because you never go on instagram? Bullshit. All because you want your peers to think that you are innocent. You want them to think we’ve broken up already so that when you’re with your new girlfriend, no one would think of you as the bad guy. Just a guy with a girl. 

Guess what Daniel, you’re a bad guy. I’m tired of making excuses for you. I’m tired of being at the bottom end of the stick for you. Guilt and unhappiness comes nothing close to the way I’ve been feeling. Nothing close. You made the decision to cheat and you know the consequences. You have the power to decide what you want and you wanted this. You got it. This guilt and unhappiness you’re feeling is nothing but formalities to the way society thinks one should feel once they betray someone. You have felt nothing for the past 8 months, so you can keep feeling as if nothing happened  Don’t stop the moment you’re put on blast to my friends and family. Don’t worry, none of your UCLA friends know.

I will take your blow and I will take the consequences of your actions. Don’t tell me to find happiness when you’ve stripped me out of my own skin. Don’t tell me that you’d offer me something better in the future when you saw a future without me 8 months ago. Don’t tell me you’re guilty and unhappy when the decisions were in your hands. Don’t tell me you’re sorry because 8 months is far too long to be sorry now. You have killed me, Daniel Lozano and I pray to God that you don’t do the same to your girlfriend. You’re so easy to love and so easy to fall in love with. Don’t take advantage of the people who love you because one day, you’ll find out the hard way of what it is like to love someone more than anything to just have them say that they have been loving someone else more than anything for the past 8 months. 

-J.N.

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